


loving didn't use to be easy

by netherfriends



Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Sad TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), TommyInnit Angst (Video Blogging RPF), Tommyinnit needs a hug, can you tell that i adore this loud gremlin ha ha, enjoy :), i love me some tommy angst, niki and tommy's friendship is so pure and overrated
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-07
Updated: 2020-12-07
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:14:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,980
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27930592
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/netherfriends/pseuds/netherfriends
Summary: All that Tommy understands is anger.ORauthor has big feels for tommy and wants to give him the spot light
Relationships: Niki | Nihachu & TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Toby Smith | Tubbo & TommyInnit
Comments: 10
Kudos: 201





	loving didn't use to be easy

Tommy doesn't know much anymore. He doesn't know Eret, who he thought he trusted. He doesn't know Techno or Wilbur, both who he clinged to even though he knew that they would betray him in the end. He didn't know Tubbo, and by god did that hurt. His best friend, the one who loved bees and made jokes about 'tubbox' with him.

His best friend, who had exiled him without hesitation. 

But what he does know, is anger. It seems to be the _only_ thing he knows now. It was created with war and death and the fall of independence and the _meetings_ -

It isn't a comfort, not a warm hug to come home to. Instead it is a enemy, something that you hate but is familiar. Enemies are familiar to Tommy, even now that there is peace in L'Manburg, he still makes enemies. Why is he the only one still fighting, when the war is over? Why does he continue to strive on tensions and broken trust? 

He hates chaos, but it is familiar. 

-

He hates anger, and yet he always comes back to it. He yells with a bite in his words, fights with the need to _survive_. But for once everything is peaceful and yet he just can't accept that can he? He has to go and burn down people's houses, and evict them for nothing. He doesn't stop, even when he notices how tired Tubbo has grown over Tommy, even when he is once again teetering on life or death.

He doesn't stop, even when he's about to get exiled.

He gets exiled.

-

Niki is there as he's packing his stuff, and she's _not_ his enemy, she is the comfort that he _needs_. And yet he goes and turns back to anger, because it's more familiar than comfort will ever be.

And he regrets it when he shouts at her, regrets it as hurt fills her eyes even though she was just trying to _help_. 

He leaves with more hurry in his steps, shame pooling up in him when Niki isn't there to say goodbye to him. No one is, because they all want him _dead_.

-

Exile is familiar, he had lived through it with Wilbur before and he'll do it again. But this time there was nothing that he was fighting for, no enemy to keep him going.

The only enemy was himself.

And so he lived off his land, it wasn't far away from the closed in L'Manburg. He collected supplies, made himself a scrappy tent. Placed torches everywhere to herd off any mobs.

( ~~The torches reminded him of smoke, of explosions going off all at once, of L'Manburg, the nation that he had built and fought for, being destroyed. A huge crater to signify it all. He tries not to think about it.~~ )

He couldn't bring himself to be grateful when Bad showed up, gifting him with tools and gifts. He couldn't remember the last time he felt something other than anger. He was devoid of anything, and Bad was neither familiar nor a comfort.

He yelled at the man, but didn't feel anything when Bad left, his energy toned down.

-

Oh. The disc.

He put it in his juke box, feeling the ghost of a smile play on his lips. It was a comfort, and it brought him back to simpler days. Where he could fool around and be a kid, play fight with sticks with Tubbo, listen to Techno tell stories with big words that always put him to sleep. He could almost see Wilbur before the war, before L'Manburg, before anything. In his yellow sweater and beanie, holding a guitar.

" _Would you like to hear a song, Tommy?_ "

Tommy didn't feel the tears dribble down his face, didn't understand the salty liquid covering his face. He instead turned over to being angry, and hunted for hours, fueled only by his bitter rage.

He wanted to destroy the disc, but he didn't, knowing he would regret it later.

-

He had tried to keep a journal, write down his thoughts and feelings, jot down everything that's been happening. He ended up burning it, for it reminded him too much of Ghostbur's journal, reminded him of being forced by Fundy to catalog everything that he was doing.

That's fine, he had never really liked journaling anyway.

-

He used the communicator, and called for help. Something he swore that he wouldn't do. Only Fundy answered, while everyone else taunted him with his exile, the orange furry bastard helped him.

And as they traveled through the Nether, Tommy couldn't help but see Wilbur in everything that Fundy did.

He saw him in the determined look in his eyes, the steadiness of his hands, the side smile he gave that prompted for his only dimple to show. It was like he was looking at the exact same person.

But he saw Wilbur, and he saw Fundy, and he knew that they were not the same.

-

Tommy found himself thinking back to that moment in the Nether, when he was with Dream and Sapnap and Ghostbur. They had all left but all he did was stare at the lava, one thought pounding in his head.

'Do it'.

He pressed his nails into his fists, creating crescent moon shaped indents in his palm. At that moment, he didn't feel anger. He felt numbness. Was this the only way? Could he only ever escape through pain?

He was kicked, and he sprawled over on his side. He still kept his gaze on the lava, only distinctly recognizing the presence of Dream.

He crawled towards the edge, flinching when he was hit in the head, away from the lava. He tore his gaze from the burning liquid, towards the green blob covered head to toe in netherite armor. 

" _It's not your time to die Tommy._ "

Tommy closed his eyes, the impending doom of his life settling into the holes in his life.

" _It never is, is it?_ "

-

When he got the book from Ranboo, who was not so stealthily watching him from above, he read through it and laughed. The sound wasn't loud like his laughs had been before the war, before all this shit happened. He was tempted to play a tiny joke on his friend, and although it was small he shut it down.

_This is your friend, you'll lose him with that joke. You'll do that and he'll decide that you're not worth it and leave you and you'll be alone again._

It was a small decision, but it meant the world to Tommy.

-

He puts in the Chirp disc a lot, it distracted him from everything. Exile, Tubbo, his friends, Dream, and the whole lot. He didn't have to think about how he was going to survive tomorrow, or the next day, or months from now. He didn't have to sleep with one eye open, axe under his pillow like how it had been during the war. Always at action, always ready to pounce. 

He could just let the music wash over him, along with the small warmth in his chest. He allowed himself to feel something other than anger, and he decided that it was pretty nice.

-

He was trying to get better, he started a farm where he planted vegetables. He got a small stable, consisting of a couple cows and some chickens. He lived off the land, as it grew without interruption. Here, away from the chaos of L'Manburg and Dream and whatnot, he began to breathe. 

He tended to his crops, made sure to keep his animals healthy and safe. Played Chirp when he was tired, and fought away any mobs. He began to eat more, the place where only his ribs could be felt began to be less empty. The bags under his eyes slowly but surely started to fade. He learned to sew, to mend the tears in his clothes.

He traded with the villagers in the neighboring village, making sure to keep quiet and be respectable. And little by little, it was working. His house, merely just a tent without walls before, grew onto the shape of a stable house. Logstedshire kept his less valuable supplies safe, and the ender chest (the one that he had made himself, mind Bad) contained all the items that he could _not_ lose.

He was getting back up on his feet, the wounds that his life had left on him were beginning to heal. And although he didn't have contact with anyone save for a couple visits from Ghostbur and the occasional checking up on from Dream (in which he burned a couple things, stole some too) he was managing. The nightmares wouldn't go away, and his depression and anxiety clawed at him sometimes, but he was trying his damn best, and although he was just a teenager he was gonna grow up the best that he could.

-

"Tommy?"

Tommy stiffened at the sound of his name, turning sharply to meet the kind chocolate brown of Niki's eyes.

"Niki?" His voice was slightly rough from lack of use but he didn't really care. He rubbed his eyes to see if he was just imaging the girl, craving for human interaction too much. She was really, truly there.

She walked up to him, and lifted the picnic basket in her hand to show him.

"Care for a picnic?"

*

Tommy hummed along to Niki's stories of what was happening in L'Manburg, the walls were finally torn down, and Mexican L'Manburg was becoming surprisingly popular. He took another bite of her bread, fresh and homemade from what she had said, and melted even more. For once, he wasn't feeling angry. In fact, he was rather content. Relaxed. And happy.

"Tommy?" He nodded, turning his attention back towards Niki. 

"Well," she fumbled with her hands, all the while keeping her gaze on him, "I've been trying to convince the government to let you off exile and I think that it'll happen! There's just going to be one finally meeting on the 8th and then..you'll be able to come back."

His mouth fell open, staring in disbelief at Niki. He felt tears well up in his eyes, and ya know just because he was a man doesn't mean that he wasn't allowed to cry. He pulled Niki close, muttering thanks into her shoulder. She rubbed soothing circles into his back, and the sun set, casting glows of orange and pink and red onto the scene.

Tommy didn't feel anything close to anger, instead, he felt..

 _Happy_.

-

Tommy looked around worriedly, shifting his grasp on the box's in his hands. Here he was, right outside the border that separated L'Manburg from everywhere else. Although there was a distinct lack of wall (thank god) anyone could tell where it started and where it ended. He took a deep breathe, trying to calm his nerves.

Tubbo walked up to him, Fundy and Ranboo at his heels. Tommy stared at Tubbo, his best friend, the one who had exiled him.

"Hi."

"Hi." Tubbo avoided his gaze.

"Hey Big Man, no hard feelings." Tommy grinned, and it shocked him too that he was this casual about it. Maybe before this, he would've screamed at Tubbo, asked why he would do this to him in fits of tears, his brain too filled with despair and hopelessness to understand anything. But that was then and this is now, and instead he placed his boxes on the floor and enveloped the shorter boy in a hug.

He let the tears flow freely down his face, and hugged the smaller boy tighter. This was his Tubbo, his best friend, and one of the most kindest people he had ever met. Tommy breathed in the scent of his friend, and let a shaky smile play on his face.

Maybe, he could turn to something other than anger.

**Author's Note:**

> i went and read some tommy angst and wrote out this almost 2k word character study in less than two hours. i proof read it quickly and i just want to get it out now, i'm like actually so proud of this so please appreciate me!


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